I haven’t updated my blog in like a month. It’s bad. Reading this, other bloggers will think it’s bad for traffic, SEO, stuff like that. But I am not even thinking of this.
It’s bad because by staying away from my blog I neglected a part of my life that I like, the smartest thing I have ever created (or maybe the only thing), and something that always made me feel good and productive.

Things to do: that “Post Blog” has been on the list for too long
I never blogged for the business, for the money, for the free trips. It’s always been something I did with pleasure, because I like it, because it’s my way of expressing myself. I always needed it. That’s why I don’t have a schedule with my posts, I don’t like deadlines, I reply emails too late and turn off many affiliation/advertising opportunities. I didn’t start my blog for this.
And at the same time that’s why it’s hard for me to keep blogging when I am not ok. If this was a business, you wouldn’t notice anything. But since it’s more an expression of me, then I can’t keep blogging about fun stuff to do around the world when I am the first one who’s not in the mood of doing anything. So I remain silent.
Does a travel blogger always have to be happy?
Because we write about travel, which is a pleasure of life. So we must be happy people. All the time. But this is not my case. And people ask me how can you not be happy when you travel so much in your life? And then it feels like it’s inappropriate for someone who’s seen as a lucky and happy person by everyone to complain. So I felt guilty, and didn’t complain. I didn’t say anything to anyone.
Since my accident in Egypt things have changed for me. I started suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, ok you already know this. I struggled and I felt better, I traveled, I went to Iceland and to Egypt, and I was having ups and downs but I’ve always been optimistic. Now I have to say I am really tired. I won’t go into details, but some days are really bad.

Depression
A couple of weeks ago I read a travel blogger, Anita Mac, committed suicide. I didn’t personally know her and I haven’t commented on the topic so far, even if I did read all the related posts that were shared in those days. And while my silence on the topic may have looked as indifference, reality is that I was deeply touched by it. Maybe more touched than others. Why? Because I felt involved. I immediately thought I could be next. And it made me think a lot.
Travel bloggers are lucky, because most of them get to see the world and for sure they chose a lifestyle they like. But this doesn’t mean they don’t have problems. Well this is pretty obvious, but what I mean is that they don’t have a space to be sad, or a space to complain. Because they see beautiful things they are expected to be happy and smiling all the time. They are the ones with interesting stories to tell, the ones that inspire others. They are other people’s anti-depressants.
Nobody wants to read “ok, I am in front of the Pyramids but I don’t feel anything”… right? It would be outrageous. Hence, “awesome”, “amazing”, etc. And because I don’t like to lie, I prefer not to post any update, rather than posting happy ones when I don’t feel like it. Call me stupid, but call me loyal too. You will never read anything that I don’t think on my blog and social media accounts.

The view from my office in Cairo. Therefore “I am so lucky”
So I’ve been at home for almost a year, and it’s been a very dark one. Given that I don’t feel ok here, I started doubting I could feel comfortable anywhere else. Here I have all the comforts, free accommodation (my mother’s place), great food, my friends and all. But I am not happy.
Maybe it’s also because I have seen so much beauty before, that I can’t find it in “normality” again? The other day I went to the planetarium here in my city. It’s such a small one. And while I heard people going “wow” when the software started the projection, I felt nothing, instead I had a flashback of me and my friend Lella in the huge planetarium on the Odaiba Island in Tokyo.

The Miraikan Science Museum in Tokyo with its planetarium – Photo by Jason Ruck on Wikimedia Commons
Did I get too much from life already? Was this all premature? Did I reach the limit of happiness? If I slept under the stars in Jordan, how can I feel excited about a night out at the pub?
Add anxiety, a couple of OCD symptms, and a broken heart, and there you have it – the D word.
Lately I think I understood that staying at home is not helping. I finally remembered that I never felt comfortable in this place, even years before starting my extensive travels. Also, I realized I haven’t traveled since May, when I came back from Egypt… and even then, I went to Cairo just to pick up all my stuff and leave for good. So it was not a really happy trip.

A portrait of me in Cairo. I don’t know about you, but I can see a lot of my struggle on my face. Photo © Ahmed Hayman
I figured out I need to travel again, even if the thought of it scares me at the moment, there I said it. So here is the happiest part of this post. I have travel plans! I will share them with you in the next few days.
Thanks for reading.
35 Comments
Depression manifests itself in may ways. Sometimes in many ways for just one person. Travel has helped me get over a personal tragedy that I did not want to get over. I just wanted to end my life. Then I made a travel bucket list with a purpose. Things and places I always wanted to see. I always have my next destination planned. I keep adding to the list, just to stay interested in life.
I do not monetize my blog, just because I am an amateur. The root of the word amateur is doing something for love.
Great that you found the strength to keep going in such a sad moment. I am sure it was the right thing to do… that’s why I keep being strong. I will find the key!
Thanks for sharing your experience :)
Everyone has challenges in their lives – travellers are no different. I get so tired of family members who think everything is always just wonderful for me and tell me how lucky I am – I can’t ever complain about anything to them. They don’t take me seriously. But I have real problems too: health issues, figuring out my non-travel life, stressful relationships, etc. People are funny – some of them only see one side of everything.
Ah, relationships. I hear you.
Good to know someone understands me :)
Most people are not always happy. Actually the average person is mostly unhappy, even the queen of England is not always happy. or satisfied. One good thing about being aware of unhappiness is the understanding that things must change, and you are dealing with it. You’ve done some changes. Didn’t feel like it worked out, look for some others. It is so normal, if I may choose this word, to be unhappy when the road you have taken feels like it’s blocked. The definition of happiness is mostly referring to ‘Hollywood’ mentality. Traveling or the ability to live as a traveller is perceived as a happy one. But travelers are human just as everybody else. They have thoughts. They have feelings. They have previous lives that echoes.
It is ok to be unhappy. It is ok to depressed. It is ok to feel lost and look for a way. Living your life as a nomad is your lifestyle. Or at least it was for the past few years and now you need to do something else and you don’t really know what is there that is right for you. I wish for you that going on the road again will clear up some thoughts, and new ways will open up for you.
I am a nomad myself. I do not write a blog (yet) because I disagree with the way traveling blogs turn out to be. Most of them are not honest. Very competitive. The essence of writing about traveling is lost. As a traveller I am looking for honest travel blogs. Those who write about their true experiences and not those who advertise for the reach and famous kind of vacation. I am looking for those I can refer to. That brought me to visit and follow your blog. And I think I understand what you are going through. All I can say is, don’t stress yourself. You need to do some changes in your life and that is very much ok. It may take some time to figure things out, but you will find your way.
Have a great ‘happy’ journey :) wishing you all the very best. Take care :)
Thanks Eve, yours is such a lovely comment. Yes, I will make some changes. Because you know, the funny thing is that I have always been very happy with my life. Well, at least since I decided what I wanted to do (being a nomad and all). So I don’t know why this is happening… or maybe I shouldn’t think about it and just focus on the future.
Thanks again :)
P.s. you should write a blog if you like to. You don’t have to do it for the business… For me, honestly, it works differently. I do it because it makes me feel good…
Your post resonated with me, and thank you for being so open. It’s hard to find the room to be honest when you have a public life, when your explorations are the stuff of other people’s dreams. Still, what is a dream without some kind of grounding other than an unreachable fantasy?
So thanks for your honesty. Having experienced depression more than once I know there’s no cliche to offer, just that you’re doing a good job if you can even be this open about it.
Best,
EWM
Thanks for your support Emily :)
I hear you. I know we’ve been talking on and off about this subject, but I felt really close to this post. Some of the sentences are exactly what I’ve been thinking for a while. I don’t have any answer, but I’ve decided to make some changes. What kind of changes? I don’t know. But I can’t stuck here forever. Good luck with your endeavors sis. And I’m always here to talk! :)
Thanks sis, what can I say, it’s amazing to have someone like you on the same planet :)
Please get a copy of Sane New World by Ruby Wax. It’s very helpful.
Thanks Buck, will look for it :)
Wow, what is going on with all of us. I feel like it’s a virus. Ironically, I’ve finally been working on my own blog post on my own situation, which I’ve been dealing with since I came home too. That post has been in my Draft box for over a month. Each day is a battle to hold onto myself. If I travel, I’m better.
I’m there with you- having keeping it smuggled for a while. Who wants to even hear or read what I actually feel? And at the same time, I feel I’m being dishonest for not disclosing it on my blog.
Thanks for this honest post! I’m sure the decision took a lot of time.
It took a long time to write this post, you’re right… I was also feeling “dishonest” for not sharing the truth with my readers. I feel better now:)
Good luck to you!
Giulia…it takes a lot of courage and braveness to be this honest, to share your sadness and dark moments. Im in a very similar situation at the moment and im pondering if i should write about it or not.. In my case i knew this moment will come…my relationship is coming to an end and its damn hard to keep a smile on my face when im dead inside. Add my lovely anxiety and panick attaks and you know exactly how it feels liike. Its hard. I still dont know how i’ll get trough it. And i hobestly feel ashamed to be so devastated for “just” the end of a love story. i wish i could be as open as you were in your post. But i have to keep the pain inside and carry on.
You are very brave. Im sure you know that.. And im sure you know already that you can overcome this dark moment.. keep doing what you’re doing. Open up to the world, and talk to people that really understand what you’re going trough. staying at home doesnt seem.to help much…are u planning to travel again soon?
If you need someone to talk to, even if we dont knoe each other in the “real” world, im here. And i mean it..
We are strong. We carry on. And fxxk everything else.
Thanks Kle:)
I don’t know why, but for some reason your comment ended up in the spam folder, I just found it!
Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. From your blog and FB page, it looks like the total opposite! See? This is what I mean.
Big hug dear… let’s keep calm and travel/carry on. :)
(yes I am traveling soon, will share my plans by today or tomorrow!)
What you said about seeing too much already, that’s partly how I feel. Once I started moving, leaving home, living in different towns, countries and hemispheres, I couldn’t stop. I don’t have any ties to anywhere so there is no point in settling. Does that make sense? I can’t function unless I have a plan or something to aim for. There seems to be a disproportionately high percentage of travel bloggers afflicted by depression or anxiety. I hope you pull out of it soon, I’ve been there.
It does make sense, I totally understand. Thanks for your support, Alyson.
There’s a lot going on in that portrait photo; that’s reflected in your story here. I think it’s weird for everyone to be happy all the time, even with all of our self-imposed self-censored filters that we put onto Facebook and Twitter. Honesty, truth, what’s real, where we are, when it’s real : I think that’s what’s important, no matter if we’re stationary or in motion. Thanks for writing and your honesty, Giulia!
Thanks Henry, it’s true we have this kind of filter, but for people like us who “live online” it’s hard to keep some things to ourselves and share something else, I guess. Well at least this is what I am going through!
Thanks for your support. :)
Just wanted to send you a hug. It’s no bad thing sharing some of the lows as well as the highs as I’m sure a lot of people will relate to it. Hope your spirits rise soon.
Looking forward to your future adventures and if you visit London again (or Brighton area) hope we get to meet this time.
Hug back :)
I was supposed to come to London by the end of the summer but it didn’t happen. One day!
No one should have to be happy all the time. Fact is no one is ever happen all the time. A lot of people blog for fun and a lot for money. Its your blog and you have the freedom to do as you please. I like the blogs that are true and real to themselves. Those are the ones I can relate to. Glad to hear you will be traveling again.
You are right Tiffany, it’s my blog and I should feel free to do as I please. Maybe I thought about it for too long, but at least I did! Thanks :)
I have followed your blog for maybe a couple of years now. I started following because you seemed to live what I want to but can’t because of circumstances. Plus I like your writing style and your vision of the things you see.
I want to tell you that I would be one of those that would think “wow how can you be sad? Your life is amazing”
Of course you can be sad and depressed and lonely and afraid and …….
I’m sorry to be guilty of not understanding that until now. No matter what life you live, how much money you have or fame or good fortune, you are still human with human needs and human feelings. I’m sorry you have to feel that you must be silent about your feelings because you will be judged unfairly.
I’m wishing you well. I hope returning to travel will be helpful to you.
Thank you for your honesty. And for sharing the world with us.
Please don’t feel sorry or guilty, Samantha:)
Your comment is very sweet. Thank you very much for following me, I appreciate it a lot, and let’s say this was a way to get to know me better. Very nice to meet you!
Ciao Giulia,
ti chiedo anzitutto scusa se ti scrivo in italiano ma credo che, pur conoscendo bene l’inglese, nella nostra lingua madre possiamo capirci di più su un argomento così delicato. Sono un viaggiatore anche io, amo viaggiare e scrivere comunicando le mie emozioni, anche se non ho ancora creato un mio blog.
Ho letto attentamente e con partecipazione il tuo post…il tuo bellissimo post direi. Perché è il post più bello che tu potessi scrivere. Ho conosciuto il tuo blog un anno e mezzo fa credo, e da allora ogni tanto ho avuto modo di leggerti. Sei davvero brava, sia per ciò che scrivi e per le risposte che dai ai commenti, che per le bellissime fotografie. Ma quello che volevo dirti è che il fatto che tu abbia un periodo così negativo e che trovi il coraggio di dirlo così, rende ancora più carico di emozione il fatto di leggerti.
Poco prima di aver iniziato a leggerti un anno e mezzo fa, anche io attraversavo un momento molto, molto difficile. Insomma, ho vissuto un brutto periodo depressivo…ma veramente brutto, credimi: per farti capire, ho trascorso notti in cui dormivo solo 1 ora e il tempo rimanente sentivo un qualcosa che mi rodeva lo stomaco. Dopo mangiato, diverse volte ho vomitato per l’ansia. E tante altre cose. E la cosa che mi faceva soffrire maggiormente era che ero quasi certo che non ne sarei uscito più, non vedevo la luce in fondo al tunnel. Mi sentivo con entrambi i piedi nella fossa. Poi, gradualmente, non so bene neanche io come, ho cominciato a stare meglio, e il fatto che ho trovato la forza per PROGETTARE una nuova avventura (un anno in Australia, che ho concluso 6 mesi fa) ha contribuito in maniera determinante a tirarmi fuori da quella situazione, anzi credo sia stato il fattore decisivo. Mi ha colpito molto la tua frase “dopo aver dormito sotto le stelle in Giordania, come posso emozionarmi per una serata qui al pub?”. E’ vero, ti capisco perfettamente. Non sei la sola, anche io come te ci sono caduto perché venivo da una esperienza bellissima che mi aveva cambiato la vita e la cui “nostalgia” si era tramutata poi in depressione.
Ma il fatto che tu stia già progettando qualcosa per “evadere” è un passo avanti enorme, che piano piano ti porterà fuori completamente. Sai, ora che sono tornato qui al mio paesello nel sud Italia, mi sento anche io di nuovo perso: non mi piace stare qui e cercherò di scappare di nuovo al più presto, perché la “fuga”, se così possiamo chiamarla, a volte è proprio quello di cui abbiamo bisogno. E sto cercando una strada per farlo, una professione che mi permetta di fare quello che mi fa stare bene e mi fa essere quello che realmente sono: viaggiare e conoscere nuovi luoghi, nuove emozioni. Proprio come te. Io non ho ancora le competenze professionali per farlo, cioè per mantenermi così, competenze che invece tu possiedi già! Quindi coraggio!
Grazie per aver scritto questo bellissimo (anche se sofferto) post, spero non averti annoiato e averti dato un altro po’ di coraggio, e soprattutto spero davvero di aver ancora modo di interagire con te…non dimenticare che sei una delle mie fonti di ispirazione, eh! A presto, per qualunque cosa contattami pure…e ricorda che non sei sola…
Christian
Ciao Christian, grazie infinite per il tuo commento, non mi hai annoiata affatto, anzi l’ho letto e riletto più volte, mi ha commossa, grazie :)
Credo proprio che tu mi capisca molto bene, visto quello che hai passato. A volte il pensiero di ripartire mi spaventa tantissimo, cosa che normalmente non è mai accaduta, ma allo stesso tempo so che una volta fatto il primo passo starò meglio… voglio crederci almeno.
Mi piacerebbe sapere di più sui tuoi progetti di viaggio. Ci risentiamo :)
Grazie ancora, veramente!
G
[…] Believe me, it was not even nearly as harsh as it sounds here. But I talked about my struggles in my previous post already, and this is supposed to be a happy post, well, at least a positive one. So here I am with […]
Strange how this post almost exactly mirrors my feelings this past month and is the very reason why I disappeared from blogging in the same amount of time. Even your mention of Anita Mac and how it affected you was very similar to my reaction to that. Unlike you, however, I only briefly alluded to these deep emotions in my ‘return to blogging’ post last week. Either way, it was very therapeutic reading your post, especially that bright light of hope in the end. We all gotta hang in there, and keep finding a way. Keep in touch, Giulia.
And I thought about you while writing this, JR! I remember we talked about the topic before… sorry to read you have been feeling bad as well, will check your “return to blogging” post now. :)
No one should have to be happy all the time. Fact is no one is ever happen all the time. But your Blog title gives a wonderful message to us .. Keep smile on you face :)
Thanks Amresh. :)
That picture of you in Egypt says it all. I do hope you will find you inner balance again and blog on – for yourself first and then for others.
Why for yourself first- I use the blog as a therapy for myself. I won’t go into details, but last year a news was broken to me, which has had hard impact on my life. I am always the Do-er and at times, I can’t! THis is the point, where I took up the blogging – also as a travel diary – but as a therapy for myself and it has helped! In the end, it is what and how you do in life!