A few hours ago I met my father for the first time since I came to Italy. We met at 7 pm for an aperitif then went out for dinner with my grandma. I just wanted to see them before I leave again.
I was excited to see him and tell him about all my news: I’m going back to Egypt soon, I found a new job (sooo happy!), in a word… good news!
Before I left, in August 2010, I told him about my plans: going to Egypt, trying to work in the photography field, travel, change my life. And I was so happy when he said “You have the right to try, good luck”. That looked like an approval.
Tonight, as soon as I started telling him about my future plans, he started criticizing me without any mercy.
“I’m going back to Egypt until May” – “Why didn’t you just find a job here now?“
“I found a new job, I will be an assistant in a photography studio!” – “Oh so you don’t work in Hotels anymore? You just don’t feel like working“
…and so on.
“You are a lazy bum, you don’t do anything the whole time” Oh yes sure I forgot, I am on vacation all the time, I don’t work and I depend on you, right?
“You are just saying bullshit (repeated many times)” Maybe from your point of view!
“You should settle down, buck up your ideas and think of your future” I have no rush and I can’t even think of settling down! And when I think of my future I think of travel! And the idea of buying a house now is just a nightmare to me… I wouldn’t even know where to buy it, and I don’t have the money anyway.
I really got very close to tears. I wouldn’t mind this kind of criticism from anyone else. I would be more than happy to have a discussion, and try to explain my plans and stuff. But he didn’t give me any chance. The “bullshit” answer was shutting my mouth up every time. And I started to tell him “yes, I don’t do anything. In fact, I sleep the whole day and the money I have falls from the sky…”
He said “Your Egyptian friends are not friends” (…no comment)
He said “I am offering you a job (i.e. selling windows… ok, I would travel for work but this is just not what I want) but you’re just a lazy bum“.
He said “You should think about your family, because one day we will need you” (ok, and until that moment I can travel, right?).
But he really killed me when he said “I am sure one day you will be disappointed with your life“.
What if he’s right? I don’t think so. But he makes me feel so strange. He makes me feel guilty. It’s my life, wtf.
Why am I not a “normal” person? Why can’t I still think of settling down and buy a house? Is this so wrong?
I am soo frustrated.
Question: did you ever have to face anything like this? How did you manage? I need some of your awesome “fellow travelers support”… : )
27 Comments
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Michael Hodson and Giulia, Giulia. Giulia said: *NEW post: "A conversation with my father". #travel http://fb.me/SnPHNTnZ […]
Stay strong and carry on! My parents are always pressuring me to come home and go to university so I can get a good job. They think they no best but they do not. Respect your father but he is not your boss. One day soon you will be super successful!
Thanks Mitchell… this is exactly what I need to hear: )
Sometimes I think I’m crazy or something! But I know there’s someone who can understand me: )
If I had to guess, I would say that he cares about you and just wants what is best for you. However, his idea of a good life may just be a different one from what you consider a good life. Just keep doing what you want and try to explain to him why it is important to you.
Thanks Steve, yes, I know he’s probably just worried (I understand Cairo may not be the best place he’d like me to go to now) but I just hated the way he said so. The bullsh*t stuff and all. I just hope to be really successful one day and show him I wasn’t wrong as he thinks.
Well, I think I am successful already as I am doing what I want… but this is just not his idea of success: ) Well, whatever! Maybe at least one day he’ll appreciate the fact that I’m happy after all: )
it’s tough when the people we love are the ones telling us these things. It’s a challenge but we take these things as our fuel to do better and show to them that we can be successful with our passion.
when people tell me that there’s no money in our passion, I reply but only in my mind *Watch me!*
I agree, it can be good for motivation but at the same time if someone who loves you tells you such things, they are the only people who can make you unsure. At least, in my case. I wouldn’t mind if someone else told me the same.. I’d just say “screw you” and go on without thinking about it. But anyway, I’m not gonna change my mind, and I hope one day he’ll be proud of me: )
Thanks for commenting Ed!: )
I think that living a passionate life is important. My parents do not understand our lifestyle as well. While I love them dearly, just remember that YOU are living YOUR life, not his. <3
Thanks Erica : ) <3 I know you understand me and how I feel... Everything I'm doing is my choice and I feel like I'm leaving my life to the max so at least I have no regrets: )
I myself am going through something similar to this. Sometimes my parents are so happy for me and what I am doing and other times they are not. I don’t understand them. My dad keeps telling me “Jaime instead of traveling you should by a house with that money and find a girl to marry.” Ummm 1) he knows I am gay and still has to through in to find a girl 2) he knows I want to travel and see the world. On the other hand I have my mom telling me that I need to be very careful on the road and need to be “straight” while traveling. I understand she is worried but it kills me when she says things like that.
I think the thing is sometimes our parents are never going to 1) understand us & 2) be happy with who we are. Its like no matter what we do its never going to be enough for them.
The way I handle it is I let them know how I feel and let it be. I then ignore and go on with an other conversation or sometime just excuse my self and leave. I know it sounds immature but in reality nothing you can do or say will change how your parents feel about the situation. In your case you dad.
Stay strong and live your life the way you want to live it. In the end the only person you have to answer is to your self and to your God.
xoxo
Wow, the “being straight while traveling” advice is impressive. Frustrating I guess… come on, would that really make a difference? Come on ma!; )
I think I should have answered but I feel so weak when he’s talking to me so I couldn’t really react. Again, I hope he’ll change his mind when he sees me happy…
Thank you Jaime xoxo : )
After 14 years in the “real world,” I have “given” up that life to pursue my passions of travel & writing. I will never regret this decision. I would only regret it if I didn’t try.
Recommendation: Tell your dad, “someone needs to do it!” Meaning someone needs to travel the world & share their experiences. Otherwise, we would never understand each other & the world would be a very miserable place.
I am sure Christopher Columbus’ parents said the same (albeit not the most politically correct example, but still an example)
Hey Jenneil, thanks a lot for your advice. I will use your recommendation next time: ) I am pretty sure I will get another “bullsh*t” answer but at least I will look very cool, lol: ) No, seriously, I think it’s a great answer.
Thanks again and… I love the design of your website!
You have to do what’s right for you because you are the only person who can make YOU happy. Parents worry & don’t want their kids to get hurt. Unfortunately they don’t always tells us that in a good way. I definitely understand that guilty feeling! Just keep reminding yourself that your options are 1- do what’s going to make you happy & deal with a little guilt, or 2- stay in Italy & always wonder “what if.” I think the regret from staying will eat at you much longer than the guilt from going.
Oh yes, the “what if” option makes me sick just by thinking of it. Sorry pa, I can’t live differently. At least for now! Thanks Ali for understanding so well, what you said is exactly what I mean. I wasn’t born for that…
My Dad doesn’t use that language, but he has similar ideas to your father. He was raised with the idea that he should work hard, pay off his debts early, and retire as soon as possible. When you are retired, you have all the time you want to do whatever you want, including travel.
He’s been a good example for me, because he retired early, at age 52, 9 years ago. Since then, he’s kept himself busy fixing up and flipping houses, and I’d say he’s generally content. Since Ashley and I started doing some small travel here and there, he’s really taken an interest in it. But has no desire in the type of trip we are planning.
When we talk about travel, I talk about climbing mountains, volunteering on farms, and sleeping on couches. He’ll flat out tell me that he has no interest in any of that, he’s gotten too old. If he travels, it’ll be on a guided tour with air conditioned buses, and hotels.
I have my university education, a good job, own a house, and I’m married. I don’t think he understands why I want to give this all up, when I’m clearly on the correct path, headed towards an early retirement. But, the reality is, if I don’t travel now, I’ll never get to take the trip I want, and I’ll have to live with that regret.
There are plenty of examples online of people who have abandoned normal course life to travel, and they all seem to turn out fine. In fact, they tend to be the people I envy, those that have full lives, and solidly recommend their lifestyles to others.
I think you’ll be just fine. And, I’m hoping I will too.
Mike, if you feel like leaving your “normal life” and traveling, it means you’ll be surely fine. I actually feel good only when I am traveling. I am not saying I have problems at home (well, just the normal ones everybody has) and in fact I am really enjoying these days I’m spending here before going back to Egypt. But if I ask myself what makes me feel alive, the answer is traveling, for sure.
It was a beautiful revelation when I discovered the travel blogs world, because I understood I was not the only one. And now I live traveling as if it was the most natural thing for me.
Well, at least until it comes to speak with my father…
I am sure you will be fine: ) Can’t wait to read about your adventures!
Thank you for stopping by and commenting, I just “followed” you on Twitter: )
Nothing wrong with you…erm… at least I hope, since I’m in the same boat: traveling non-stop. I’ve been an expat for 5 years, now I’m in China and have zero intention to go back to my hometown, which happens to be Italy too, and which I don’t feel as my hometown anymore. I still need some nomadic lifestyle, AND I love it here in East Asia!
The only thing, my parents are possibly more excited than me about my travels, they encourage me not to stop and they come visit me anywhere I am. This is a huge emotional support, it wouldn’t be the same if they discouraged me. Living abroad by yourself is already very difficult, I understand you need support, and naturally the one your parents can give you is the most appreciated. I suggest you talk to your father again, maybe he was just acting out of concern for your future.
Good luck with your new job in Egypt, sounds exciting!
Thanks Angela,
well, I don’t think I’ll talk to him again, I know him and he will never understand. In fact, he’s still trying to persuade me (he just sent me an e-mail asking me if I’m really sure and bla bla… as if could help!).
Actually he always complained about every single choice me and my brother made (starting from high school, to university, jobs, hobbies, whatever!) so I should be used to it. But I’m not:p
I am planning to visit Asia (all of it, hehe) asap and it would be nice to have your tips about it!
Thanks for stopping by, looking forward for your tweets and posts: )
Ciao!: )
There’s no such thing as normal. Look how big the travel community is, Giulia. Look how many people do what you do and want what you want. I’m about to start doing exactly the same as you … A long RTW trip.
I don’t think you’ll ever be disappointed with how your life turned out. Because look at what you’re doing – you’re doing everything you desire. You’re chasing your dreams. That’s admirable and inspiring.
Hey Ceri, yes, I know I am doing what I desire and I am very happy with my life: ) The problem is, sometimes you want to get support: not from everyone, of course… some people will always think I’m crazy, but I am ok with it! But you know, family is important: )
Thanks for the nice words anyway – when are you leaving for your RTW trip and where are you heading? Curious me!: )
Sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear about the conversation of you and your father. Sometime parent just don’t understand. They have their own thinking and perspective. I understand when they say what if they need you someday. But I’m sure you will be by their side if they needed you, but till then you have you freedom to do what makes you happy.
Thank you Sarah, you’re sweet as usual: )
I still get this from my dad quite frequently when we talk – many of those quotes could be from him! Generally though, while he’s discouraging to me, he’s much more proud when he mentions what I do to others. Perhaps it’s a pride thing – but discouragement just makes accomplishment that much more sweet ;)
Anil, I have to say a big thank you to you.
Not sure if when he talks about me to others he’s proud or not, but your “Discouragement just makes accomplishment that much more sweet” really made me feel better. So true. Thanks: )
I didnt know where to find this info then kboaom it was here.
Wow! I am so happy my parents have been supportive of my decision to quit my job and travel for a year. I definitely had some difficult conversations with my dad because he was worried and wanted to make sure I had thought things through, but he was never cruel or closed-minded about what I wanted.
You have to stand up for yourself and do what you think is best for you, even if the opposition is close to you.